Emer Kirrane - Evil Woman

I’m Irish.  I’m in Hungary. I love potatoes. I once jumped out of a plane. Cheerful people scare me. I have a tattoo of a frog. I like frogs

2. How in the heck do you pronounce “Emer”? What’s up with that?
a)  Eh-mehr
2)  Eeeh-mehr
iii)  Eeeh-vil

Sigh. It’s Eee-myrrh/eeee-murr.  It’s quite a common name in Ireland, though perhaps a little old-fashioned.
Emer was the wife of the legendary Irish warrior Cú Chulainn.  She was said to possess all 6 of the womanly virtues – the gift of beauty, the gift of voice, the gift of sweet speech, the gift of needle-work, the gift of wisdom, the gift of chastity.

Let me know when you stop laughing.

3. What’s up with the XXX in @Exxx? Is it because you’re XXXtra evil? Or do you have an XXX-rated side career we don’t know about?

I didn’t think about how Exxx would look when I set up my Twitter account.  I only realised it might be odd when I started receiving questions about how many of my previous boyfriends I might have killed and a LOT of porn spam started streaming in.
I wish it didn’t sound so girly, but when I was a teen I used to sign my name with three kisses instead the last three letters of my name.  It’s an old habit I never kicked.

4. What inspired the silly series? Are they not keeping you busy enough at Yahoo! Web Analytics?

It actually began because I was so busy.  It was before Christmas and I hadn’t written a blog post in a month.  I didn’t have time, so I decided to outsource my content production.  Originally, I had imagined a “Twelve Days of Christmas” type of series, but I really enjoyed and learned a lot from the profiles and thought they might be a great resource for others in the web analytics community.

That is, until the sodding profilees decided it would be oh-so-much-fun to profile me.

5. If your career was made into a movie, what would the plot synposis be, and who would play you? Would there be a love interest and who would play that role?

It would definitely be directed by David Lynch, and perhaps be called “The Meandering Bendyness of Jam”.   The love interest would be a giant walking potato called Five.  I’d be played by Thumbelina and the story would be unintelligible until the dénouement, which would (naturally) take place in a tree-house.

6. What’s up with Budapest? You get kicked out of Oirland?

It was a bit of a whim.  Five years ago I arrived in Budapest, aiming to stay for a year.  You can see more about what I got up to on my merry adventures here, but the upshot is that I got into IndexTools, met a boy and didn’t leave.  I’m sure the people of Oirland breathed a collective sigh of relief – I’m not sure they’d have me back now.

7. What is your favourite thing about the web analytics industry?

Despite the torture I’m enduring at the hands of Team Evil Forces, it has to be the people and the passion in the web analytics industry.  I like to see people who genuinely believe in what they do and I love to observe the debates, the teamwork, the sense of community…

Fetch me a tissue, dammit, I need a moment, overcome as I am by the love!

8. What is your least favorite thing about the industry? (Note the correct spelling of favorite in this one)

As someone who works for a vendor, I would have to say that I feel a strange lack of inclusion.  For example, surveys sent out on web analytics topics never take into account vendor representatives.  In theory, I can understand it – no-one wants their passion polluted by people trying to up-sell solutions.  However, most “selling” I see is done by community members, not vendor representatives.  I don’t really understand why we can’t all be on more or less the same page.

9. If you could date any metric, what would it be and why?

Hmm, I think metrics on their own are a bit pointless (and their dinner conversation leaves a lot to be desired).  I’d prefer a visitor segment – though that’s possibly a bit kinky.

10. Hits or bounce rate?  Which one wins in a bar fight? And who is at the bar taking bets on the fight?

Clearly, the fight is taking place at a drive-through wedding chapel in Las Vegas, which means that an aging woman dressed as Elvis on roller skates is running the book.
Hits is in the blue corner wearing dungarees and a backwards baseball cap.  Bounce Rate, in the red corner is wearing a billowing shell-suit.  After two and a half rounds, the entire bar loses interest in the lacklustre display and Elvis straightens her wig and drags herself back onto her stool to take bets on a goat drinking shots of tequila.

11. You are a community liaison for the Analysis Exchange, and a prominent customer of Twitalyzer. Who would you rather take to your senior prom: Eric Peterson or Jeff Katz?

Convention is a touch lame.  I would take Wonder Wendy, the executive director of the Analysis Exchange.  Eric and Jeff would carry our purses.  Both would be wearing tutus.  And tiaras.

12. What is your dream for the Analysis Exchange in the next 18 months? (Token boring, sensible question.)

I LOVE the Analysis Exchange.  Love it.  Can I date it instead of a metric?

I just want it to keep going and keep growing.  The first goal is to help 1000 non-profit organisations by providing them with free web analysis through giving experience to 500 students and 150 mentors.  Within 18 months, I’d like to see the Analysis Exchange surging forward under its own speed, with a steady stream of new non-profits, repeat projects from current non-profits, a bank of regular mentors, a growing number of highly engaged analysts – and cake for all!

I’d love to see more mentors and students bringing in non-profits as the organisations are the best method of spreading the word in the non-profit community and we need their help.

13. Who is your superhero-sans-cape in the web analytics industry, and why?  Who is the person in the industry most likely to wear a cape? What about a dress?

Who’s my superhero?  That is a very tough question.  At the moment, I’d probably have to say Judy Ritland, Shannon Taylor and Mike Levin from the Web Analytics Association.  They’re always incredibly helpful and receptive and tolerant of my nonsense.
If I was to keep naming names, we’d be here a long time, though the list would have to include John “Happy” Lovett, Eric “Grampa” Peterson, Wendy Greco, Jason Thompson and every student and mentor in the Analysis Exchange.
I would have to also include Avinash Kaushik and Stéphane Hamel for their contributions to the industry and for being smashing chaps.

All of Team Evil Forces, against my better judgement.

Jojoba, of course, bless her (see question 16 if you don’t know why her patience should be celebrated).

Jennifer Day – she was one of my first real connections in the web analytics industry.  She’s absolutely a hero to me, and she amuses the hell out of me.

Bob Page, for being Bob Page….

I could go on and on, but start with the people I’ve profiled, add anyone who’s using the #measure hashtag on Twitter, drizzle with the committed analysts out there, chuck in a pinch of pepper and a glass of red wine and bake for 40 minutes to see my analytics superhero cake.

I think I may be the most likely to wear a cape.  Even as a child, I wanted to have life insurance with Scottish Widows because of the macabre name and the caped girl in the television ad.

I think we’ve established that Jason Thompson gets the yearbook entry “Most Likely to Wear a Dress”.  Let’s face it, I think we could persuaded him into a tutu even he hadn’t been raising money for Charity:Water.

14. If 75% of your site traffic came in through the search term “loony bin” and 42% of those spent an average of 6.66 seconds on site, how many visits would you need to get to your site in a week to start sleeping like a normal person?

At the moment, 75% of my site traffic comes via searches on the names of folks I’ve profiled in the web analytics industry (mwah hah haaah).  That helps me sleep at night.

The searches on sheep, ninjas and Chinese whispers are the ones that keep me awake.

15. Rumour has it no one has ever seen Avinash and you in a room at the same time. Discuss.

That’s not a rumour, that’s a fact.  I suspect he runs screaming from the building if he hears that there’s any likelihood that I’ll turn up.  Would you blame him?

16. What’s next for Project Jojoba? When will you get bored already?

Project Jojoba, as a social experiment, has currently exceeded all goals and benchmarks.  Mama’s very proud.  I’m generally interested in the way people react collectively and social media is a great way of observing group behaviour on a large scale.

Did you know that Jason ended up in a tutu because of a random off-the-cuff comment I made to Lee Isensee on Twitter?  I mentioned tutus to him.  He mentioned tutus to others.  When Jason was looking for more support for his fundraising campaign, the word was floating about looking for a home and the web analytics group worked together to get him into a lovely frock.

Project Jojoba was a touch more deliberate.
I have a terrible, terrible habit for giving people nicknames.  I once called three guys in the same office “Jim” for 6 months – and they all answered to it, which is worse.

With Michele Hinojosa, I couldn’t (and still can’t) pronounce her surname, so I lazily called her Jojoba rather than learn the pronunciation.  I then decided that everyone else should pander to my laziness.  Project Jojoba is testament to the fact that dedication to goals and strategic team-building sets you on the road to success. And that I’m not the only one in the web analytics industry that likes to indulge in a little plate of crazy from time to time.

I may tire of the active campaign after eMetrics, but Jojoba will always be Jojoba to me.

17. When you and Carol Bartz get together for your monthly Pedis, what are the general topics of conversations between you two ladies?

The general greatness of Yahoo! and creative forms of revenge on Team Evil Forces.

18. African or European Swallow?

Laden or unladen by migratory coconuts?

19. If you were Princess Peach, from Mario Brothers fame, who would you rather be with – Mario, Luigi or Toadstool?

I do not know these people of whom you speak.  I’ve played Lemmings, that’s a great game.  And Tetris is always a winner.  And…um…yeah, I’m not a fan of these new-fangled shoot-em-up games.  Or driving games.

Ok, I’ve just looked up the characters in question.  They all have moustaches!  Are you insane?  Everyone knows that one must avoid those who favour upper-lip hirsutitude!  It’s just wrong.

20. Since you’re from Ireland, what is the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done with a potato and how many police officers ended up being called to the scene?

My fiancé would tell you that the most dangerous thing I do around potatoes is eat them.  I can consume giant mountains of mashed potato.  I cannot express strongly enough how much I like the potato, in all its forms.  The last plate of mash I ate weighed as much as a small baby.

I wish I had some potato right now.

Police officers have never been called to the scene of one of my potato dinners, but I can imagine requiring resuscitation at some point as I am suffocated by a ridiculous volume of mash.

Mmmm….mash.

21. A sheep, a goat, a pig and a HiPPO walk into the room – who walks out with a: limp, fat lip, a concussion or unscathed?

Sheep are a bit useless – I grew up chasing them around fields and herding them up hills with my dad.  The sheep would wander off to get itself into trouble.
The goat would probably try to eat the pig and the HiPPO and then treat itself to a plastic bag for dessert.
The pig would dribble slightly and the HiPPO would be very concerned about knowing how many animals were in the room.

22. Which would scare you more, waking up in the morning and seeing JasonInATutu standing in the corner of your room or presenting on stage at eMetrics while wearing a tutu?

If Jason came all the way to Budapest just to stand in a corner in a tutu, I would find it a little more sad than scary.  I think he has more sense.

Presenting, tutu or not, scares the bejabus out of me generally.  I make lots of self-conscious jokes when I present, but I’m sure that doesn’t hide my general terror.

23. Why do you not like having your picture taken? Is it because you are in the witness protection service … which would also explain why you live in Budapest. Hmmm … Oh yeah. That is a question, I swear.

Even my mother, who thinks the sun shines out of my whatnot, will tell you that the camera is not kind to the Emer.  “God bless you, but photographs don’t seem to capture you properly” is her lovely way of putting the fact that her daughter is just not photogenic.

24. Knowing that you are Irish and also engaged to be married, aren’t you still equally offended that Prince Williams did not ask you to share the Royal throne?  Or are you holding out for Harry?

You open with the fact that I’m Irish and then proceed to assume that I am in some way British?  I am confused.
In any case, I have no need of princes.  You may click here to see a picture of my betrothed and I – you will then see why I have no disappointment of any kind.

25. What are the powers of a Web Analytics Fairy? What is your fairy dust? Your kryptonite?

I flit about from pillar to post, dropping whimsy dust all over the place.  I have the power to confound.  If you want to battle me, using a Facebook page as your “website” will irritate me so much that my power is drained.  Better still, create a website that simply serves as a link to your Facebook page.  Just make sure that your entire online business is wholly dependent on someone else’s, because they will always be sure to align their business goals with yours.  That will never backfire.

Even writing  about this angers me.  I need to go to my happy place…

26. True or False: What is the best color for your “Add to cart” buttons if you want to maximize conversion rate?

False.  Except when true, which is usually the second Tuesday of the month.

27. Say the word “white” five times fast, then answer: What does a cow drink?

Liquidised toast mixed with champagne.

28. Answer one of these two questions: What is the required time to determine a winner for a multivariate test involving 3 page elements if you have 3,283 average daily pageviews from 3,108 visits and 2,984 visitors, assuming you need a confidence interval of less than two percent? OR What sound does a duck make?

It’s ridiculous to separate these two questions.  What kind of amateur wrote this question?  I shouldn’t have to deal with this rubbish.  Don’t you know who I am!  Bring me my cane!

29.  If you could wipe one of these things off the face of the earth, which would it be? 1) % Exit Rate, 2) Unique Visitors, 3) HiPPO Reports, 4) “Hits”, 5) Smooth Jazz

Exit rate, hands down.   A faffy rate doesn’t give you insight into why a page is an exit page or what that really means.  It could be a good thing or a bad thing.  It could be an irrelevant thing.  But just looking at the exit rate, that’s just going to give you a lovely figure for your pie chart.  Use that pie chart on your website.  Your Facebook page website.

30.  When you wake up in the morning, do you yell Yahoo! or Gmail? Why is it that you use Gmail, do you admit that Y!mail is not as good?

I used Gmail for years before I joined Yahoo!.  I don’t really use it any more, though I do think it’s a great product.  I’m not into auto-bashing the products of the competition.  But, Yahoo! Mail is genuinely really impressive, particularly the latest version.  You can integrate Twitter, Facebook updates etc., include lots of applications, chat and so on.

I’m a commitment freak.  I tend to give my all to whatever company I’m working for or interest that I have.  So, if I could do more than unwillingly drag my carcass out of bed in the morning, I would yell Yahoo!.

31. If you had to pick five items for a dashboard what would they be? Oh, you can only pick from people within the #measure industry.

Well, it depends on the purpose of the dashboard.  I’m answering this question at 1.30am so, to be perfectly frank, for dashboard, I’m reading dartboard.  And I think I would have everyone in Team Evil Forces on that.

32. How many more questions do you think there are?

Is it A MILLION?!?  That’s how many questions I feel I’ve answered.

33. Did you get Question 32 right?

Yes.  Sulk.

34. How many revenge plots have you come up with for the Team Evil Forces while answering these questions?

I am feeling benign.  So much so that I’ll share a photo of you with my face included.  Click here.

Check out the full list of interviews in the Silly Series here!