“This passion of our kind For the process of finding out Is a fact one can hardly doubt, But I would rejoice in it more If I knew more clearly what We wanted the knowledge for, Felt certain still that the mind Is free to know or not.”
Smart man, that Auden – I doubt he’d think much of the Silly Series.
Now we turn to Claudiu Murariu – a man who cannot fathom why people would abandon his site.
I’m 28 but I weigh as much as a 14 year-old. That never stopped me from jumping out of planes, paragliding or adventuring in Siberia.
2 years ago I quit a job I really liked and started my own company that I like even more. I started doing web analytics around 4 or 5 years ago, out of necessity. I had nobody around me to give me answers to questions I had about the performance of the projects I was working on. Never stopped since then.
On a scale of one to tomato, how important is the digital analytics industry?
It’s a very tough question and we’ll have to do some research to find out. We first need to find the value of tomato. I know what you are thinking: find out where it grew, how many miles did it travel, and how, to where it sits now, double it if it came in by plane and take out from the final number the carbon tax.
No, I won’t do it like that. I’ll take a fork and a knife, I’ll slice the tomato, pick the seeds, dry them, plant them in 2 different places with different environmental conditions, see which lot gives the best results, make sure it’s statistically significant, find a fellow who does the same with cucumber and organize a salad party on a Web Analytics Wednesday.
With a certain degree of confidence we can state that on a scale from one to tomato, web analytics has a high value.
What is the collective noun for a group of web analysts?
I’d go with murmuration. We go where the data goes and most of the time nicely synchronized. OK, sometimes we don’t know what direction to continue on and we do a split. 
Unfortunately, in the parts of the world where I hang out, people often gather in a murmuration of 2 or 3 analysts only and we have to travel big distances for it. The view is not as nice.
What is the worst mistake you see customers making again and again?
They always exit the website. I don’t get it. Why do they have to do it? I give them nice colors, big fonts and I select the best words for them. What else could they want? No matter how much I try, visitors always leave the website.
I’ve even tried loop-linking. You click on a link that makes you think it will take to another website, but surprise, you’re back to the homepage! They still manage to outsmart me and leave the website. What’s wrong with them?
Who is your superhero-sans-cape in the web analytics community and why?
I am a big fan of Joseph Carrabis. He did something I’ve been dreaming of doing for a very long time: he brought sciences like sociology and psychology into his web analytics work.
If 32.57% of website visitors download 2 documents per visit, how many shovels are sold in New York on the second Tuesday of every month?
It all depends on the bandwidth of the internet. The longer it takes to download the more shovels are bought to dig for faster Internet.
Statistics have shown us that in New York the concrete is softer on Tuesday than on the other days of the week, with the peak on the second Tuesday of the month.
So, if you want faster Internet, that’s when you need to dig. It’s as simple as causation vs correlation.
What is your wish for what’s left of 2011?
I wish I get to a Gustavo Dudamel concert. I’ve never seen more passion combined in one person than in him. He made people like me love and have more understanding for classical music.
If he were an analyst, he would have the power to make our grannies love web analytics and start practicing it. That’s how good he is.
Describe in excruciating detail your most embarrassing moment.
I was 18. I was part of the team that organized the Miss High School show for my school. I was the lad responsible with music. After a month of rehearsing that went well, here comes the night of the show.
Everything goes splendid for the first hour. The next act: a local star does a playback moment.
The computer crashes in the middle of the act. Because we didn’t have enough cables, the computer was placed in the middle of the stage.
I did what every other person would do: took my screw driver, jumped on the stage, opened the computer up, replaced the sound card and made an OK sign to the singer that she can continue (I’ll never forget the look on her face). All in under 3 minutes.
Of course, more than 500 people were watching me. I was more focused though on making the damn computer work. That’s when I realized I am a geek and I can’t do anything about it.
If you were the king of web analysts, what advice would you give your minions?
That’s easy. Go hypnotize or brainwash all those customers that exit my website. What’s wrong with them? Why can’t they just stay on it?
Imagine you’re the star of a half hour comedy-mystery show about a cosmic sandwich and his panda. What catchphrase do you utter at the close of each episode?
Panda: Where are you going Big Sandwich?
Cosmic Sandwich: Back to our ship, Panda. We must plan for tomorrow night.
Panda: What are we doing tomorrow night?
Cosmic Sandwich: The same thing we do every night, Panda. Stop Pinky and Brain trying to take over the world.
Jingle: They are Cosmic, Cosmic Sandwich and his Panda! Sing along now.
I forgot to mention. I have a terrible voice.
bravo!
Claudiu&Emer, my thanks for this excellently amusing post (I
genuinely chuckled!) and for the nod. Contact me, Claudiu, and we’ll
find a way to help you understand the reason(s) people are abandoning
and bouncing your or other sites.
Also, I’m familiar with Dudamel’s work and haven’t had the pleasure of a live performance yet.
And thanks again for the chuckles.
Joseph
Thank you Jen and Joseph.
Joseph, I’ll just do that though I am afraid of what might happen if people will never leave my websites again.
I hope there is no such thing as online deprivation of liberty
Emer, thank you very much for the interview. Hope to see you soon.